Currently Lenka By Lenka Knock Knock see related

Am I plain not there yet?

It has plagued my mind for the best part of this year the question of whether I am 'there' yet.

Its a question I ask in a lot of arenas in my life and the 'there' standard is an everchanging yet ever clear line. Unfortunately it becomes (annoyingly) MOST clear when you DON'T reach it. It seems that its when I've fallen flat on my face, or fallen short of the mark or disappointed a person that the ''wonderful'' feeling of 'you should have done this' or 'you shouldn't have done that' glares across my mind like a condescending neon sign of utter shame.

Here is the real kicker though, 9 times out of 10, I AM good enough in these areas, and it is the times that i slip up that become the noted and most remembered points in my memory. I mean, no one remembers the 100 things they did right today, its the thing that went wrong that makes us think 'oh crap....'. Why is it that of 10 times I am relied upon, I succeed 9 times, and then slip up once? Yet it happens time and time again, almost like a recurrent curse. And each time I KNOW how to deal with THIS situation, but when a variation comes along of the same predicament....I fail again. The gut wrenching feeling is KNOWING that you CAN and USUALLY DO achieve the standard. That you do the right thing, or you act the right way and it works. But there are those moments where for some freak reason you're body decides to go against the grain and people and even myself end up getting hurt or let down. Failure hurts, and it hurts more when there are external consequences. I wouldn't be so beat up about this if I knew I was being stretched everytime and I am merely falling under to learn something new. But its troubling how I am slipping up on things I know or i ought to know how to do successfully.

Am I just plain not good enough? Or I'm not mature enough? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Am I meant to forever lose out occassionally like this?

How people live without God's grace is beyond me. ''Small'' things like this drive me round the bend. I know that if I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ that He can comfort and strengthen me in ANY circumstance, I'd probably have given up on life a long time ago. I would stop trying at everything because frankly....without God, what is the point? Without God's grace, people don't forgive you. I honestly believe that forgiveness and love can only come from God, like a human could ever by himself/herself look over the pain caused by another? Don't think so. Thats why I can't help but smile a little when people ask 'where is God in this world?'. Its like a puppet show when you're a young child, and the puppet the main character is shouting out to and looking for is actually behind them. God is everywhere, yet somehow people can't see Him. I'm glad that whenever I fall I do see Him and He catches me. Because I hate failing. I hate failing people. I hate failing people that I love. But I have to be slightly happy that when I do fail....I don't fall comepletely.

Strive. 2009/2010. A year of STRIVING. Because I fail, I can't guarantee.

Psalm 3 NIV

A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.

    ¹ O LORD, how many are my foes!
       How many rise up against me!

    ² Many are saying of me,
       "God will not deliver him."
       Selah

    ³ But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
       you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.

    ⁴ To the LORD I cry aloud,
       and he answers me from his holy hill.
       Selah

    ⁵ I lie down and sleep;
       I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

    ⁶ I will not fear the tens of thousands
       drawn up against me on every side.

    ⁷ Arise, O LORD!
       Deliver me, O my God!
       Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
       break the teeth of the wicked.

    ⁸ From the LORD comes deliverance.
       May your blessing be on your people.

God has a knack for making me feel righteously stupid...

Ahh God. I really do love the fact that we serve a God who has an awesome sense of humour.

He knew of our craving for food so knowing the importance of communion he probably decided 'ya know...its probably best i don't break burgers...or kebabs.....or even sushi....cos people might just get distracted by that. Lets go for unleavened bread' Right move.

Zaccheuses' house (i mean half the names of people and places are impossible to pronounce..again God is probably chuckling alongside us when we read 'Amminadab' and 'Rehoboam the father of Abijah'.....don't laugh too hard...thats jesus' genealogy....ha...that stopped you a tad!!!) can you imagine his thought process? 'hmm...i could go to anybody's house really....what would best show my character though? How about that guy in the tree? tax collector if i remember right....which i always do....cos i created him. yeah that'll be cool...even if the people get a little restless!!'

But what I love most about God's humour is how He has always used it in my life to astound and teach me profound truths. On Wednesday at 360, I approached the evening with a somewhat heavy heart. It was full of the junk i knew didn't need to be worried about at this moment in time, but my 'better' judgement made me worry about it all the same. Relationships, uni deadlines, what am i doing with my life?, whats for dinner tomorrow night.... ya know. During worship I had enough of it, I wanted God, I just wanted to be fully focused on Him, His Word, His Son through His spirit. Nothing else.

Lesson one, I do not sing to get His attention, I sing to tell Him he has mine.

 Ah. Less harmony and volume then (not that harmonies and volume isn't great...just for me...not the right mind set ;P) I found that funny, i imagined God sitting in heaven saying 'err jon....hehe, thank you my child...jon...no need....jon my boy. I'm listening. I'm always listening. How about spending some time with me?' Right. yes Lord =D

Lesson two - when focused....keep focused or you'll miss out on the big things.

During the discussions on testimonies and general talk about confidence in God and why we should, need and want to share the gospel, several of the people I've never heard say more than a few words were suddenly fountains of wisdom an insight. I mean what?! I had always prayed that God would mould the hearts of these wonderful people, but to hear their sharing and what they truly felt, man....you do wonder how fast and hard God works....its like giving someone some wood and saying 'could you make something for me?'....you don't really see them for a day and they come back with a ship the size of the Titanic. 'Ah. ok. That is....unexpected...amazing...but....wow.....' I'm glad kept me engaged in that evening, that the yearnings and trapping of my heart didn't interfere with me spiritually gorging on His faithfulness. I took that night as a timestamp, a milestone, a......you get the jist. I wanted to remember tonight along with other key events in my life as a testament to HIS faithfulness and glory. He truly does amazing things in ordinary people, because through Him we become extraordinary, individual. How better to display individualism than living out your own individually devised purpose??? God made you how you are to carry out His plan for YOU, why would we go mess that up by 'doing it our way' which in essence is 'doing it a way that the world tells me is my way'. irony? no? watch fight club. (random but its an interesting concept.) God obviously hadn't finished joking around with me after worship, His keeping me focused boiled down to 'Jon i know you got a lot going on...and trust me when i say 'i know'....but let me show you what i've been spending my time doing.....I can tell from your stunned silence that you think its amazing. And guess what, I planned this to happen partly so you would see glory in your God in your life. Clever no?'

*spiritual slap in the face.*

He makes me feel righteously stupid because I am vindicated in Him, it finally makes sense what he is doing and I can't help but think 'now....why didn't I have more faith?!' or 'oh Lord, how you must laugh when my worries are reduced to nothing next to the cross!!! all that running around and panicking....my bad!!'

Learn to laugh with God and you will have opened a part of His character. Watch out though....you could end up giving yourself a spiritual slap in the face!!

Stay Holy Homie!!!

Currently Painting the Invisible By Vicky Beeching see related

Confessions of a seriously hormonal boy.....

Its been a while since I've been in a 'relationship-y' mood...but the past month or so has been rife with romantic and girlfriend-needing emotions. Its really quite annoying. When life suddenly seems like it should be televised on E4 and E4+1 (i have nothing against these channels....scrubs, my name is earl and even the gilmore girls is in fact incredibly entertaining). That feeling that nothing else in the world matters right now but how much you want that 'special someone'. how...plain....ridiculous. I apologise to all the girls out there who feel i'm mocking their dreams....but honestly...for me...its plain stupid. (but i have a point to it.)

My general thought process in this realm of make belief and unrealistic scenarios usually begins with what i shall call the 'can you take the kids to school?' scene. Its pretty simple. Large american home (why its always in america shows the scary level of media penetration achieved by shows such as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and My wife and kids), wife is sitting at the breakfast bar on the phone talking to a family friend, probably a church member, its my day off. I walk up to her and can only feel 'oh man....how'd i get this lucky? God really is a God of blessing.', I say:

'Morning. You sleep alright?'
'Yeah actually...hold on....laura? yes its just jon....I can come now if you want? sure thing.'

and then the scenario name kicks in...

'could you take the kids to school? Laura wants me to go round her place to help sort out the items people donated for the church fete. that ok? I hate to spoil your day off.'
'No i don't mind at all, where are Jason and Grace?'
'Grace is in the sitting room writing in her journal, give her another 2 minutes or so, she doesn't like to be disturbed. Jason is probably lining up Grace's soft toys before gunning them down with that nerf gun you got him for Christmas (she gives me that look of 'i shouldn't laugh, but its quite funny!')'

Right....so take down my trigger happy son before asking my daughter nicely to get in the car for school. Done. Before I leave 'I'll get dinner for tonight then I'll come out and help you out at church later?'

'that would be brill.'

'Sure thing. See you later. I love you.'

End Scene.

Why is it that the everyday scenes fascinate me so? Its not the grand gestures, although I assume they'll be all the more awesome, but its the little things like taking the kids to school, doing the washing up with my wife before our immature side springs out throwing soap suds at eachother, having to explain to my daughter 'how did you and mummy meet?', having our parents tell embarassing stories when we all meet up for dinner, my wife falling asleep in my arms despite saying 'I could never fall asleep watching Transformers'..... and so on. Urgh. The things hormones get you to think about.

Then the other day, two things hit me so hard that I sort of know how some Pharisees must have felt when their love for law was challenged by the need to love God himself. That sort of 'what in the world have I been doing?'

First, do I long for and search for God with such intensity in my life? Answer. Not always, no. This is just a spell I'm having wanting a girlfriend, but my love for God should never be a 'spell'. I'm sure as hell gona try to love my future wife everyday, so why let up with the God who created me and gives me purpose? The God I worship and depend on, the one who makes sure my lungs each day are still breathing? That my eyes still see and my ears still hear? That God. Do I love him that much? I know I suck as a potential boyfriend, but never have I thought I suck as a lover of God.

Second, what am I looking for in a marraige? To love someone? Or to Love God more through this amazing woman? Someone who can challenge me, confront me, encourage me, share my pain, frustration but also my joy with. Its beyond the deepest friendship. Its allowing someone else to be able to live your life with you, and being able to live in theirs as well. Funny when you think 'loving' someone isn't enough. Its certainly a requirement....but its not enough. Thats why we take a vow before God I suppose, because in the end, He's the one we're really focusing on.

Last night at 360 it was nice to be reminded that being crap at being Christ like is not only normal, its needed. God hardly ever taught anyone who got it all right. They needed to get something wrong first or be told something they didnt' want to hear before they could acknowledge God's wisdom. I'm glad I sucked at loving God, I know what I've got to do, I know I 'fell out the window' a few times. Now I know to try not to sit there. I am worth something. I worth more than something because I am worth the blood of Christ. Its not even a price tag. Thats a sacrifice. God sees this little grain of dust to be worth polishing and refining. So bring on the refining. Bring on all the other flaws I need to know about. As for the relationship yearning....knowing the simple fact that God delivers beyond expectations.....gives me something to swing at the daydreams, the woman God has planned for me will be better than the one I can imagine....maybe she'll be able to drive the kids to school with me......=)

Hormonal Teenager signing off...

Stay Holy.

Its tough staying in gear

Uni start. Check.

Football season restart. Check

360 restart. Check

Personal targets and new additions to routine. Check.

2009 has brought a spring in my step and the first week back to uni saw a revamped Jon try to go all out for God and to be more Christ-like than Jon version 2008. And he was doing quite well......up until he realised that this actually requires....how we say in my neck of the 'wood's (i live in wood green....)....BARE effort.

It was sort of encapsulated in my first game back in uni colours on the football pitch. The warmup and first 30 minutes went quite well, running around freely making good passes, testing the keeper and surprising even myself with some pretty (even if i do say so myself) tasty goals. Then came the game. All fired up. Whistle went, bombing up and down the pitch like a true pro, tackling, heading.......and then my body finally caught up and said in its usual way 'Yeah jon...we can't keep this up...you're not that fit.' and BAM. Cramp. Just in the left leg at first. Crud. Pull up. Substituted 10 minutes before half time. *sigh* LAME. Stretch it off and hopefully another stint in the second half. Keeping warm. Start warm up to come back on on the hour mark....BAM. Cramp. This time in right leg. awesome. Sit out the rest of the game (although i did have a hilarious conversation with a fellow crampee xD).

Its actually not that hard getting started when you put your mind to it, but change in any arena of life takes perserverance and character as well as the holy spirit. Its a week into the routine and I am already feeling slightly fatigued. But I suppose where life experience comes in is that if i stick at something, usually God opens doors for me. He has yet to fail me and I know he never will.

So new list:

Get running into the weekly routine.

Read more often (of law...of christian literature....of Psalms)

Get more regular sleep.

There's a lot of 2009 left, time to claim it in the name of Jesus =)

Stay Holy people!!!